It’s been a couple months since I’ve been behind the wheel, and let me tell ya: the residents of my tiny town were safer for it! Nah, not really. Only the residents with little pink houses. 😉 (If you didn’t get that joke, it’s because you’re a slacker and didn’t click on the link I posted to help you catch up. I’ll give ya a hint so you don’t have to click on both: try the first one.)
(If you clicked on the first link and my joke still doesn’t make sense, that’s because I lied. It’s really the second one. Haha, now you’ll be forced to read all of them, slacker!)
Because it’s been a couple of months, I was really nervous about getting back at it. I almost started hyperventilating thinking about whether the brake was on the left or right side. If you think I’m joking, you haven’t driven with me. It made me panicky even thinking about getting back behind the wheel and facing the same direction I had when I very thoughtfully demolished my niece’s playhouse for her. This time, there wouldn’t be anything to stop me from sliding down the hill if I did something stupid. This time, I could go over the edge.
That’s what’s really scary for me. I could hurt either my dad (blessed brave man that he is to ride along with me), myself, or my car (not the baby!). I almost did it once, I can do it again.
But I know I can’t get past that fear or get any better until I’m actually driving. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to keep doing it until the reactions come naturally for me and I finally feel comfortable driving. I have no idea how long it’s going to take, but I know that with the help of God, this year can be different. I don’t have to be enslaved by another year of fear.
But as with most things, it’s easier said than done. Because every time I step into that car I have to battle the panic that suddenly settles in. Every time I face the direction of my past mistake, I have to remember: it’s the past, Lizzie. It’s not the future. You only have the present. I have to face the fact that most likely, I will not be perfect at first. I’m probably going to make another mistake here soon. But it’s okay. For me, readers, it’s a daily pep talk telling myself that it’s okay to make mistakes. That may sound silly, but I have never been okay with that. To make a mistake is to be less than perfect, and doggone it, I’m going to be perfect no matter what it takes. But do you see what a hopeless battle it is? Do you see how defeating and exhausting it is? Only throughout the last couple of years have I been able to see it and tried to make some changes.I’m not there yet, but I’m learning to allow myself to make mistakes. But more than that, to be honest with myself. Perfectionism is a goal I can never attain, and I know that more than anyone… I think the knowledge of human fraility and sinfulness is what starts the whole perfectionist syndrome anyway. We think, If I can just be enough, if I can do everything right the first time, if I just work hard enough… oh, but what an empty lie it is. Such an empty promise.
I can never be enough. But my God is more than enough. And I can rely on Him to do things through me I never dreamt possible. But first I have to learn that I can’t be perfect, no matter how hard I try. That I need holiness, strength, and peace beyond what this finite world can give me. Could crashing a car be a part of that process? I’m beginning to think it can.
Luckily, today there were no crashes! Even though I was really tempted to come up with some excuse not to go, I swallowed my fear and went driving. Let me tell you: it felt great to be behind the wheel again! Despite a little nervousness at first, I soon settled in and thankfully have no mishaps to report. Of course, I was praying like a man on death row, so I’m sure that played a huge part. Good ol’ Pops reports that it was one of the most relaxing drives he’s had with me! Which is really weird, because I haven’t driven for months. Gotta be those prayers, because it definitely wasn’t me.
Well, it was the first day back at it, and I’ll just say this: it felt great, and I hope all my drives go as smoothly!
Oh, and also: I’ll be driving again tomorrow, so if any of you feel the urge to pray, it’s because I’m on a demolition tear again. 🙂
Ooo, ooo, one more thing: If you have a pink playhouse-hide it! 😉
Love you all, I’ll talk to you soon!