Luckily, the “Day 11” in my title does not refer to how many times I’ve been driving, but rather only to the times I’ve documented driving. I’ve been able to keep a pretty steady pace up the last couple of weeks, and have driven at least once every week except for the last two weeks. Some weeks have been better, some not as great. Some weeks I’ve only gone once, others twice, a few three, and a few none at all.
I’m a little frustrated with myself that I haven’t been driving as much as I should. Most weeks I get the two days in, but I haven’t quite accomplished my new goal of driving three days a week. I’m kind of living the philosophy, “Something is better than nothing.”
I’m still just as determined to get my license before the end of this year. I don’t what I’d do if I get to end of this year and find I’m still not ready. I’m terrified of that being a possibility. It just can’t happen! I’ve had enough of this fear.
I am so very tired of being a burden to my family and friends because they have to get me from place to place. I’m tired of feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I’m tired of not being able to get to certain places because I can’t drive. Of missing out on opportunities, and not being as able to hang out with my friends. I’m tired of being afraid. Heck, I’m even tired about writing about being afraid! But most of all, I am tired of this being my reality. I’m ready for a new reality!
I feel like I come across as such a loser when I write these posts. Like a victim and someone to be pitied. But I also feel like that’s not who I am. Sure, I may have a more timid and shy personality, but I also feel as if I have a lot of strength. Sometimes I feel as if people don’t see that in me.
A couple of weeks ago I would have said with 100% certainty, I can beat this fear. I will have my license by the end of the year. I was doing so well. I was driving at least once every week, and things were just coming naturally for me. Driving! Was coming naturally! My dad was talking about me getting my license soon, the first time he’s ever said anything like that. I wasn’t afraid anymore as I drove-not even in town. A little nervous, but nothing like how it used to be. I was actually kind of even enjoying driving!
But then I did something stupid again. And my confidence crashed.
I started becoming dependent on my dad once more, asking him things I already knew to do myself. Things I’d done countless times before. I was so frustrated and upset with myself. Why do I always revert back to that dependency? I’ve proven to myself that I can do things alone. That I am smart, strong, and capable. Then I do something stupid again to mess it all up, and I wonder, can I? Is it really in me?
I hate feeling so helpless. Especially when I know deep down that I’m not. How to hold onto that truth?
I’d had some new people in the car with me and though I thought I’d be fine, the pressure of what they were thinking of me overcame me. I started doing stupid things I wouldn’t normally. Then one of the people in the car said something disparaging. It wasn’t anything too awful, but I’ll admit, I can be a very sensitive soul. So then I let my emotions get the better of me, and I went right back to square one. I was right back exactly where I started. I relapsed into dependent stage, and completely tuned out of driver-world. Basically what ended up happening was that my dad had to jerk the wheel because I had zoned out mentally and didn’t realize which direction I was going.
It was miserable. It was pathetic. It was me on day one.
I’m not going to quit because of a silly incident like that-I’m no quitter. It’s just that once more, I’ve reached my breaking point. I’m doubtful I can get my license by the end of this year. After all, I’ve been going at it for months, and then just because of one comment I can do something dumb like that?
Something so simple-something so easy and normal for other people-has been one of my biggest banes. That’s a tough pill for the pride to swallow.
Honestly, sometimes I wonder why I share this stuff. It’s actually pretty humiliating. But I keep on in the hopes that this will help someone out there. That someone struggling with something shameful of their own will find the courage to tell someone about it. To receive help. That someone will defeat their own fear, and realize they’re not alone.
The race isn’t over yet. I’m not giving up, as depressing as the text above might have sounded. I just started this blog with a vow of honesty, and that’s where I’m at. On the racetrack of life, I’m going for another round, hoping that this time I’ll find the exit instead of finding myself right back at the beginning.
One more lap.