Friends and Moving Forward-Day 7

On Friday of last week, I was getting ready to drive but feeling really unmotivated. I just wasn’t looking forward to driving and was really dragging my feet. I was dreading getting out there. A little while before we headed out, I received a package. The address looked unfamiliar to me, so I couldn’t imagine what it was or who it was from. Upon opening it, I realized it was from a dear friend of mine.

This image came from etsy.com

Inside was a little golden box. Curious, I carefully lifted the lid. Inside, I was surprised to find a beautiful key chain my friend had sent to encourage me.

Fingering each little charm on the key chain, the tears came to my eyes. A cross. An antique key and spoon. A bead angel complete with halo. The words “wonderful” and “beautiful.”

Could she have sent it at a better time? My heart warmed at the thoughtfulness my friend had shown me. She’d taken time out of her day just to think of something to encourage me. And what a perfect gift! Something I could take with me on drives and remember I was not alone. I had God and my friend on my side.

It was amazing what one little gift of kindness like that could do. After receiving the key chain, I couldn’t wait to go driving! I felt re-energized and ready to face the roads. I had the new key chain to try out, after all! More than that, the key chain was visible proof someone out there was pulling for me and wanting me to succeed. I wasn’t alone in my fear. Knowing that, I felt strengthened.

The drive was all town driving and went really well. It seemed like everyone and their mother was out, but when I started getting stressed, I just glanced at my new key chain for a quick dose of courage.

That same week, I also received a really encouraging card from another friend. She’d even included two little pull-out cards with comforting Bible verses on them. Once more, I found myself touched beyond words. Who am I to be blessed with such friends?

I’m still not sure I can answer that.

It’s been a trying journey sometimes, facing my fears. Hard at times. Rewarding at others. Always scary. But there’s something I’m beginning to realize: I am never alone in my fear. Never once has my God abandoned me or left me in my fear. He’s always been with me in the fire, and will always be present to deliver me:

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, ‘Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.'” (Isaiah 43:1-2.)

He’s also blessed me with friends who love and care for me-who aren’t interested in judging me, but in simply being there for me. That’s a gift I do not take lightly.

For all of my readers, for every one of you who have prayed for me or left behind your encouraging comments, I thank you. With your love and support behind me and pushing me forward, it’s not hard for me to believe I can win this. Your love and friendship continually strengthens me.

Today, I don’t look at what I don’t have, but what I do. And what I have is you.

Fear Tip: Proverbs 11:25 says, “The generous will prosper; those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed,” and Proverbs 16:24 says, “Kind words are like honey-sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” In need of refreshment? Try encouraging someone else today. Something as simple as a kind word or a small gift can mean the world to someone. When you’re thinking about someone else’s problem, it’s hard to think about your own.

P.S. How can I be a friend to you today? Is there anything I can pray about for you or any way I can encourage you?

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The Fear of Big Emotions, Part II

Last week we went over allowing big emotions in ourselves so we can accept them in others. We talked about how we all need someone we can trust to share those emotions with. But how do we become that kind of friend for others? How do we become the one who is a safe haven in the storms of life, rather than the iceberg the Titanic capsizes on?

That’s what I’d like to address today. Any time a friend or family member shares something big with us, it can be scary. We want to help, comfort, and encourage, but we’re not sure how. We can be so afraid of the emotion they’re expressing to us and overwhelmed with the longing to fix it, that we stay away and end up doing exactly what we feared in the first place: we hurt them.

Would you believe it’s as simple as listening to them?

After attending a training at my local Pregnancy Resource Center, a lot of my long-held beliefs were flipped. Some of my not-so-nice habits were exposed. The way I began to see myself and others was radically changed, and I believe the same can happen for you. What I learned is applicable not just inside the counseling room, but in everyday life with friends and family as well.

So let’s get to them. Most of the steps I will suggest are based off of Cynthia Philkill’s training manual, Equipped to Serve.

The most important thing you can do is listen, and listen well. If you or someone you know has gone through a tragedy, you know the best thing someone did was listen. It was the person who let you vent and held you, and most likely not anything they said.

There’s a reason for that. People long to be heard. They long to know that someone heard the innermost cry of their heart, understood, and cared. Beyond what their lips are saying, they long to know you heard what their heart was saying.

So let’s begin to look at some ways of how to be better listeners:

1) Restate and Rephrase.

Restating and rephrasing simply shows another person that not only were you being attentive, but also that you value what they say enough to hear every single word.

When you restate, you simply echo what they said.

If your friend says, “I feel alone, like I don’t have anyone to talk to,” you say, “You feel alone, like you don’t have anyone to talk to.”

That’s it. It’s simple and sounds silly, but you’ll be amazed at the effects it can produce. When you’re conscious of the fact that you might have to restate things, you’ll be listening a thousand times better.

I compare it to hearing under water. You know how when you’re under water everything sounds far away and muffled? That’s how most of us go through life listening to people. We hear parts of what they say-the parts we care about-while going off in our own mind about what we’re going to say next. By learning to truly listen, we are as quick to pick up the sound as a baby hearing outside the womb for the first time.

Rephrasing is only a little different. Once more, you have to be very attentive. It’s not an exact echo of what the other person said-it’s a slight rearranging of the words while still catching the essence of what was said.

If John says, “Work is boring. I’m not feeling challenged anymore.”

By rephrasing, you could say, “You don’t enjoy work anymore.”

Next,

2) Be a minister, not a manipulator.

After taking Mrs. Philkill’s training, I was ashamed because I suddenly realized how much of a manipulator I actually was. I hate seeing other people upset, and the first thing I want to do is fix it. I want to make people feel better, but instead of allowing their emotion and hearing them out, I try to help them get rid of the emotion instead. So I basically try to control people’s emotions and mold them into what I want them to feel. What I saw as “helping” was actually “manipulating.”

Here are some other ways you can manipulate so that you can watch and make sure you don’t do the same:

• By thinking anything along the lines of, “How can I ‘get’ him to…” or “How can I ‘make’ her see…”
• By asking questions that contain the answer. In other words, by giving a series of options the other person feels they must choose from. For example, “So are you gonna get another job, or keep the one you have?”
• By asking questions beginning with “why?” Questions beginning with who, what, where, when, or how are all good, but “why?” can sound accusatory and guilt-inducing
• By directing and making the conversation too much about you. Humans are naturally selfish, and as soon as we begin talking, we can make the conversation about us. For example, “I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same thing when…” A general rule of thumb is that by the end of a conversation, the other person should have talked more than you.

3) Interpretive Listening.

The best thing we can do for someone trusting us enough to open up to us is listen for that underlying emotion they’re feeling, and not ignoring it. This type of listening is called interpretive listening- you’re trying to hear beyond just what they’re saying with their lips. What’s the reason behind their words? What is the main emotion keeping them down? Is it anger? Sadness? Fear?

Look for that emotion, and acknowledge it. By acknowledging it, you’re validating it.

When validating an emotion, start it off with a gentle lead-in phrase such as, “It seems to me as if you’re feeling lonely,” or, “It sounds like you feel overwhelmed.” If you’re wrong at the emotion you think they’re feeling, they’ll simply tell you so and give you more insight into what’s actually troubling them.

When someone trusts us enough to share the struggles they’ve been going through, they’re basically baring their souls and making themselves vulnerable to our judgment, condemnation, or indifference. It’s up to us to be deserving of that trust and to respect it. By ignoring or being afraid of the emotion they expressed, we pour salt onto an open wound.

But we can also be a place of refuge, healing, and love. It starts with listening. And listening well.

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